Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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