Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
