He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
