The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
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