Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Randomize
