ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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