i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
