I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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