I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
