yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
