Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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