Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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