So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Shitshow foam night was such a success
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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