My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I am one with the molecules
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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