I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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