I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
