Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
