we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
