there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
