I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
