I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Randomize
