i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
