My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
