oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Randomize
