so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
