She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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