made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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