this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
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