You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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