The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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