I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
