Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
