I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
