how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
