The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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