is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
