just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
