rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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