I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
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about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
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You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?