Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
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You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
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