I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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