Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
