ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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