I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
The air was thick with penises
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
