I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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