When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
