My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
