Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
But theres a keg here and me gusta
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
