i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
3 2 1 whiskey
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
