you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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