getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
