omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Randomize
