I murdered the dance floor call the cops
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
