we have pet lesbian snakes
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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